Off In the Distance

Once again I've been thinking. Thinking thinking thinking. I feel like that's all I do, which is good. Too bad I didn't major in Professional Thinking in college, huh?

What I've been thinking about in particular is my career and being realistic about my career. I want to be a published author, yes, but I have several other interests besides writing. For some reason I think that I'm too old to go back to school even though I'll be turning 25 in June. I guess I just had this idea in my head that by the time I turned 25 that I would at least have my foot in the gate of the Magnificent Writing Kingdom. I've made a few strides, but I know I've got a long way to go. I don't want to keep working dead end jobs or jobs that I don't wish to advance in until I break into the writing business. I'd like to at least have a job that utilizes a minimum of my skills.

There's an ad on Craig's List for a writer/director for a job that sounds really interesting and neat. It's in Chicago, so if I get it I would have to move, but maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I've enjoyed my time here in Denver, but I wouldn't mind giving that up for a career job. And besides, it's not like I wouldn't be able to move back if things don't work out.

Maybe that's the reason I've been struggling these past few weeks. Maybe living here is just a stepping stone in the right direction. I've made several friends here and I've really enjoyed my time here, but I haven't yet put down roots in Denver, although I feel that I'm very very close to doing so.

I know I've got the ability and talent necessary to get this job, maybe I'm just afraid of starting all over again. But I didn't do so bad my first time here, didn't do too bad at all. I know that there are great things in store for my life, I just don't know what they are yet. But I do hope to find out, and I hope that I have the courage and wisdom to recognize my blessings when they come.

Ashe.

A Little Something I'd Like to Share

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

My Life, My Life, My Life

So I feel a little older, feel a bit like my birthday came a little early this year.

Maybe this whole unemployment thing is forcing me to grow up faster than I normally would. I think this is both a good thing and a bad thing. Good that's it happening, but bad that unemployment was the catalyst.

I hoping to find a new job here very soon. I've learned to let go of my pride and get a job that will pay the bills and keep food in the fridge and worry about finding a job I both want and like later when I have that option.

I have to admit that it infuriates me that I keep getting passed over for positions that I feel I am PERFECTLY qualified for, but then again I guess everyone out there in unemployment land feels the same way. You want companies to give you a straight up answer then they slam the door in your face rather than selling you the company line. Sure they don't want to hurt your feelings or whatever, but I'd rather know the real reason they didn't hire me and that way I can try to rectify it before approaching another possible employer.

I need to get back writing. I haven't really had the will to do so because my mind has been so preoccupied with finding work. I suppose I could be using this time to find an agent since I'm finished with my first novel and really think that it has a damn good chance of being published. I don't know, maybe I'm scared, maybe I don't have my priorities in order, or maybe I'm just lazy. I know where to start and yet I don't. I know it costs nothing and at the same time it costs everything.

I feel like I'm standing where I've always stood, in confusion wondering where the hell my life is going. And yet I also feel as if a great change is coming. It has to be, I just hope it's a good one.

Movements

Just a reply I wrote to a friend that sent me a link to an article that talked about the leaders of the civil rights movement and their reluctance to reach out to the LGBT community.

"It does make me think. Even though civil rights and gay rights are very closely tied together, I don't know if we'll ever be able to mount a united front. While both issues are very much different in their core desires, they're the same in that both want to be treated like everyone else, want the same rights and the same opportunities.

Being a black gay man does have it's challenges. I'm part of both worlds, but I'm not caught up in the politics of either. I'm aware that the struggles exist, of course, I just don't feel as if I have anything to contribute to either struggle. I know how that sounds, but some people are born to lead and crusade, and others simply aren't.

A majority of the black community is simply too closely tied to their religion, and for that reason don't want anything to do with the gay community, even though both communities should be reaching out to each other as their final goals are the same. At the end of the day I think it comes down to identity. Both communities are trying to define themselves through themselves and not through the eyes of "the rest of the world." I think that's one reason black people are taking back the word n***a just as gay people have taken back the world f****t.

I was having a similar conversation about this with a friend. African-Americans really don't have an identity. We do, but we lost it during slavery. We lost our homeland, our families, our religion, our freedom. We did the best we could during slavery, taking the Christian religion as our own and American ideals as well. Take into account inbreeding and black people that wanted to please the whites in order to make their lives easier. We're part of two worlds and we have a hard time fully identifying with any of the heritages we have. For instance, I have Native American family members on both sides of my family as well as Caucasian. So I'm not purely African, not purely Native American and not purely Caucasian.

The same may be said of the gay community. There's pressure to act a certain way, present yourself a certain light in order to be accepted by the rest of the community, the rest of the masses. It's all about assimilation, fitting in. Groupthink!

You want to be part of your own community, and at the same time you want to be part of the larger, world community.

So if you look at it that way, both groups want to be viewed as humans, but as black humans and gay humans."

Reeling

So today I've felt...a lot. That's the only way to describe it. I woke up this morning feeling ok. Actually before I got out of bed I looked out of my window and saw that the sky was all alight with beauty and sunstreaks. I should have taken a picture, but was lazy...as usual.

Mmm, around lunchtime I started feeling anxious/nervous/fearful of my financial situation, because as many of you know the first of the month is when bills are due. Yikes! This thread of emotion continued for about an hour or so until I managed to calm myself down and instead focus on how to rectify the situation rather than focus on the fact that there is a situation.

After that I was feeling as if my head were about to explode. I don't know why. It wasn't a headache, per se, just this pressure building and building in my head. Again, I calmed myself and redirected my nervous energy.

I was feeling tons better after. Then I watched The Office and felt damn good. Laughter is good for the soul. Thanks for that lesson, Meaghan.

I played some Metal Gear Solid 4 and felt intrigued and frustrated when Snake didn't cooperate as fast as I would have liked for him to. I know he's an old man, but damn.

And now here I am, feeling my usual calm self. What a day, huh?

I have an interview tomorrow and I really hope that it turns out well. Lord knows I need this job.

I would have had two job inteviews, but I'm pretty sure one company is just a scam. Watch out for American Income Insurance Company! Do your research first. Not saying they're not a legitimate business, just that they seem shady. I would check them out just for the hell of it, but it's 30 minutes away and I just don't have the gas money to satisfy my curiosity.

Hopefully the next time I post it'll be about my being employed.

Till next time!

25 Going on 40

So lately I feel as if I've been having a mid-life crisis of sorts. Or maybe it's just me panicing about not having a job yet. I'm sure...no, I know that has something to do with it.

It's also recently come to my attention that I'm going to be 25-years-old in June. I feel as if I haven't done nearly as much as I'd hoped to do by the time I was this old...young...whatever.

I was looking back on my life and I feel that I should have done more, should have been exposed to more as a child. A part of me wants to blame my parents, but I know that's both unfair and foolish. They did they best that they could when it came to raising me and my other siblings, and I'm glad that they did as good of a job as they did. I could have turned out much worse.

25 isn't the end of your life, but it's that turning point where you're teetering on the edge of adulthood and the end of your "party days." It's time to think about your future, time to think about a career, where you see yourself in ten years time and how to get there.

I honestly don't know where I saw myself at this point and time in my life, but I know that it isn't here. I know I'm capable of much more than what I've done and what I'm doing, but I guess it's just that I don't know how to get to where I want to go.

I just want to be happy.

Okay, this post is starting to depress me a bit. I'm signing off now.

Till next time.

Loss

I often wonder why we view loss as something negative. Something that once brought us comfort, familiarity, and happiness is gone and we feel that there is an eternal void inside of us that can never be filled.

We lose family, friends, jobs, belongings, and intangible things such as sense of self, sanity, security. Recently I've been experiencing a loss of employment (over and over and over again!), and it's caused a bit of a domino effect. You lose your job, you lose your sense of security, and then you may even start to lose your sense of self-worth. Amazing how the casdade effect works, huh?

Oftentimes when we lose something it's best to focus on why we lost it in the first place and why that loss was/is so hard to bear. And then we must figure out how to replace that lost the best we can, reconstructing our house as it were.

It's not easy, of course, but what in life is?

And I think that's exactly what it boils down to: life. So many ups and down in such a seemingly short amount of time. But it really is the experiences that make us who we are. We can either take the situation as it is, or we can transmute it, rise to the occasion.

Sappy, I know, but a little sappiness is necessary every now and then.

I've lost three jobs since I've moved here to Denver. Embarassing, yes, but it is what it is. All three jobs were "pay the bills and keep a roof over your head and food in your belly" type deals, so the blow wasn't that low. If I had been fired from a job that I was actually passionate about, then I would have taken it much harder. Not that I'm not scratching at my head wondering what the hell I'm going to do, but I've found a measure of comfort that they weren't jobs that I was fond of in the first place.

Loss forces us to realize just how strong we really are, loss forces us to find out who we are and who we aren't. I'm trying to apply the same aspect in my book series (a little self-publicity there). What happens when you find out you can't be who you wanted to be, you aren't the person you thought you were? What next?

So...

What next?