Growing Pains

Yea, more 25-year-old angst! Just what the world needs more of. But it's my blog, so I rule as see fit here in this digital domain.

I've finally found a second job working at Mad Greens. I feel like the oldest person there, one of them at least. But I'm going to suck it up, work, and make money. After all, that's what my original intention was. The days have been flying by as of late working two jobs. Thankfully I'm still working on the second novel and it's coming along rather well.

So I've finally rustled up the courage to find an agent. It's something that I've been nervous about for quite some time. My novel has been finished for about 6 months now and there's no need for it to collect dust. I really do think it has an excellent chance of being published if someone is brave enough to take a chance on me. At this point it's fear that become my biggest obstacle.

It's become nearly painfully apparent that I'm simply not cut out for working a normal 9-5 job. I'm too much of a daydreamer, often find myself wondering what the hell I'm doing doing menial tasks (not that I'm too good to do them, just that I know I'm meant for more), that and I always feel like someone's bitch. I'm ready to have lunch with my agent, attend writer's meetings, have talks with studios about turning my work into a movie or TV show, and attending book signings.

I think I'm slowly but surely starting to feel like the 25-year-old that I am. I'm ready to live the life that I want to live rather than the one I have to live. Thinking about this gives me a certain feeling of assurance, so maybe this is what is meant to be.

I pray that it is.

Quarter Life Crisis

I'm too young to experience a breakdown and yet I'm having one.

25 is turning out to be quite a fun year, replete with feelings of inadequacy, failure, poverty, and a general sense of loss.

Someone please tell me it gets better.

Lift Your Head Child

So I've been feeling better lately about the direction my life is going even though I feel as if I'm standing where I've been standing for quite a while. I don't know, there's this sense of security that's settled over me, as if someone has whispered in my ear that everything is going to be okay even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

I've rededicated myself to my writing...again. I think it's just the fact that I'm turning 25 next week and I feel as if I haven't done much of anything at all or anything of significance in all of the years that I've walked this earth. It's going to take me a while to get my writing career started, maybe, and I don't want to waste any more time than I have to working dead end jobs where I constantly find my worth being undervalued either by myself or my employer. I know what I'm good at and what I'm not good at, to a certain degree, and I really don't want to keep wasting my time.

Still looking for a second job. I think I'll work two jobs for a while to see how things work out and possibly quit one in the future. Who knows.

I just hope that this feeling doesn't end, or if it does I just hope I remember what it feels like. And I think that I will.

Take care, gentle readers.

PUBLICATION!

I've finally been published! Well, this makes twice if you count the two poems I had in my university's literary magazine. Hopefully this will be the first in a long line of publications.

Check out "SanGuine" on Chaos Theory: Tales Askew e-zine.

http://www.genspace.com/ctta/issue-13/tocframe.htm

Welcome Home, Weary Travelers

So it's been quite a while since I've updated my blog and the reason for that is because I've been in a bit of a funk. Work, my career, my life itself. All of it feels as if it's somehow out of my hands, out of my control. It's a lot like someone else controlling your body, your thoughts, your actions. They're inherently yours, you were born to them and yet someone else is pulling the strings. Believe me, it's as frustrating as it sounds.

I finally got myself a job, but it's less than ideal. I'm making money again, which I'm really thankful for, but the hours and my boss are less than ideal. I'm going to stick it out for now, because I'd rather be frustrated and employed rather than unemployed and frustrated like I was for several months before this. So for now I'm looking for employment elsewhere. I'm not sure if I'm going to work both jobs and quit this one or just work the one. I'll have to see how it all works out.

I haven't been writing lately. I'm not sure if it's that I've grown bored with what I'm working on now, or if I should take a break from what I'm working on now to do something else. I have an idea for a fantasy zombie survival novelette, but I'm not sure as to the best way to execute it.

I'll be 25 next month and I feel as if I haven't done much of anything with my life. I feel as if I've been shuffling forward rather than sprinting like I want to. I'll wake up next week and I'll be a 40 year old man wondering where the years went. But I don't want to do that. I want to know where my life is going, look back and know that I lived a good and full life full of lessons, laughter, accomplishments. But in order to do that I have to start now. I need to make a list, make a plan of where I want to be as well as where I don't want to be. Maybe today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I am born.

The Purpose of Being

We live and we die. What happens in between? Choices. But are those choices ours, or someone else's? Were we born to be lawyers, writers, forensic anthropologists, presidents, teachers, and doctors or was all of that decided before we were born?

Some of us believe that everything we are, everything we have we owe to a higher power. But what if the only person we owe for our success or failure is ourselves? Maybe we mistake a natural aptitude for destiny. That's not to say that god or whoever doesn't have a say in what happens in our existence, but what if that higher power decided to give us an aimless life, a life that they don't direct, one that the human being themselves directs. Some are directed, destined, while others are experiments, something to observe to pass the time.

Last night I asked myself why I was born, what my purpose in life was. Was I born to always suffer, always struggle in one way or another, or is that everyone's lot in life? Was I born to write or is it just a skill that I've manged to acquire over the years?

It's often been said that God has a plan for all of us, and I have to wonder about that sometimes. I look at the world today and can't help but wonder if this is really all God's plan. Unemployment, massive oil spills, devastating hurricanes, suicide, civil rights being taken away. Has God lost control of His own creation? Is he trying to destroy it as carefully as he constructed it?

I always have so many questions and very rarely do I have answers. Maybe I never will. Perhaps it's enough that I'm wondering about all of this.

Just point me in the right direction, I'm ready for blast off.

Creation

Lately I've been thinking about my writing career, something that's been put somewhat on the back burner until I find employment. But like all pressing matters, it's something that keeps popping up whether you want it to or not.

What I've been thinking about most is how varied I'd like for my career to be. I love the idea of writing video game and comic book scripts just as I love the idea of writing screenplays. So many ways to tell so many stories. I want to do something similar to what Gabriel Garcia Marquez did with "Five Years of Solitude." There's just something about writing a story about the origins of a village, country, nation, etc. You get to write the world as you see fit, and maybe even as you don't see fit to add an extra layer to the story.

I also like the idea of creating my own mythology, something just as timeless and intriguing as Greek or Roman mythology. Shows like Buffy, Angel, Battlestar Galactica immediately come to mind when I think about modern day mythology. Something that's completely original and bound by that universe's own rules. The idea for this came from the latest installment in the God of War video games series. The team that put that project together simply went above and beyond to deliver a quality product. It's nice to know that originality and innovation aren't completely dying arts.

Hopefully my writing career will start soon and hopefully it will be all and more that I pray it will be. Here's to a wonderful adventure.

Peace. Out.

Off In the Distance

Once again I've been thinking. Thinking thinking thinking. I feel like that's all I do, which is good. Too bad I didn't major in Professional Thinking in college, huh?

What I've been thinking about in particular is my career and being realistic about my career. I want to be a published author, yes, but I have several other interests besides writing. For some reason I think that I'm too old to go back to school even though I'll be turning 25 in June. I guess I just had this idea in my head that by the time I turned 25 that I would at least have my foot in the gate of the Magnificent Writing Kingdom. I've made a few strides, but I know I've got a long way to go. I don't want to keep working dead end jobs or jobs that I don't wish to advance in until I break into the writing business. I'd like to at least have a job that utilizes a minimum of my skills.

There's an ad on Craig's List for a writer/director for a job that sounds really interesting and neat. It's in Chicago, so if I get it I would have to move, but maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I've enjoyed my time here in Denver, but I wouldn't mind giving that up for a career job. And besides, it's not like I wouldn't be able to move back if things don't work out.

Maybe that's the reason I've been struggling these past few weeks. Maybe living here is just a stepping stone in the right direction. I've made several friends here and I've really enjoyed my time here, but I haven't yet put down roots in Denver, although I feel that I'm very very close to doing so.

I know I've got the ability and talent necessary to get this job, maybe I'm just afraid of starting all over again. But I didn't do so bad my first time here, didn't do too bad at all. I know that there are great things in store for my life, I just don't know what they are yet. But I do hope to find out, and I hope that I have the courage and wisdom to recognize my blessings when they come.

Ashe.

A Little Something I'd Like to Share

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

My Life, My Life, My Life

So I feel a little older, feel a bit like my birthday came a little early this year.

Maybe this whole unemployment thing is forcing me to grow up faster than I normally would. I think this is both a good thing and a bad thing. Good that's it happening, but bad that unemployment was the catalyst.

I hoping to find a new job here very soon. I've learned to let go of my pride and get a job that will pay the bills and keep food in the fridge and worry about finding a job I both want and like later when I have that option.

I have to admit that it infuriates me that I keep getting passed over for positions that I feel I am PERFECTLY qualified for, but then again I guess everyone out there in unemployment land feels the same way. You want companies to give you a straight up answer then they slam the door in your face rather than selling you the company line. Sure they don't want to hurt your feelings or whatever, but I'd rather know the real reason they didn't hire me and that way I can try to rectify it before approaching another possible employer.

I need to get back writing. I haven't really had the will to do so because my mind has been so preoccupied with finding work. I suppose I could be using this time to find an agent since I'm finished with my first novel and really think that it has a damn good chance of being published. I don't know, maybe I'm scared, maybe I don't have my priorities in order, or maybe I'm just lazy. I know where to start and yet I don't. I know it costs nothing and at the same time it costs everything.

I feel like I'm standing where I've always stood, in confusion wondering where the hell my life is going. And yet I also feel as if a great change is coming. It has to be, I just hope it's a good one.

Movements

Just a reply I wrote to a friend that sent me a link to an article that talked about the leaders of the civil rights movement and their reluctance to reach out to the LGBT community.

"It does make me think. Even though civil rights and gay rights are very closely tied together, I don't know if we'll ever be able to mount a united front. While both issues are very much different in their core desires, they're the same in that both want to be treated like everyone else, want the same rights and the same opportunities.

Being a black gay man does have it's challenges. I'm part of both worlds, but I'm not caught up in the politics of either. I'm aware that the struggles exist, of course, I just don't feel as if I have anything to contribute to either struggle. I know how that sounds, but some people are born to lead and crusade, and others simply aren't.

A majority of the black community is simply too closely tied to their religion, and for that reason don't want anything to do with the gay community, even though both communities should be reaching out to each other as their final goals are the same. At the end of the day I think it comes down to identity. Both communities are trying to define themselves through themselves and not through the eyes of "the rest of the world." I think that's one reason black people are taking back the word n***a just as gay people have taken back the world f****t.

I was having a similar conversation about this with a friend. African-Americans really don't have an identity. We do, but we lost it during slavery. We lost our homeland, our families, our religion, our freedom. We did the best we could during slavery, taking the Christian religion as our own and American ideals as well. Take into account inbreeding and black people that wanted to please the whites in order to make their lives easier. We're part of two worlds and we have a hard time fully identifying with any of the heritages we have. For instance, I have Native American family members on both sides of my family as well as Caucasian. So I'm not purely African, not purely Native American and not purely Caucasian.

The same may be said of the gay community. There's pressure to act a certain way, present yourself a certain light in order to be accepted by the rest of the community, the rest of the masses. It's all about assimilation, fitting in. Groupthink!

You want to be part of your own community, and at the same time you want to be part of the larger, world community.

So if you look at it that way, both groups want to be viewed as humans, but as black humans and gay humans."

Reeling

So today I've felt...a lot. That's the only way to describe it. I woke up this morning feeling ok. Actually before I got out of bed I looked out of my window and saw that the sky was all alight with beauty and sunstreaks. I should have taken a picture, but was lazy...as usual.

Mmm, around lunchtime I started feeling anxious/nervous/fearful of my financial situation, because as many of you know the first of the month is when bills are due. Yikes! This thread of emotion continued for about an hour or so until I managed to calm myself down and instead focus on how to rectify the situation rather than focus on the fact that there is a situation.

After that I was feeling as if my head were about to explode. I don't know why. It wasn't a headache, per se, just this pressure building and building in my head. Again, I calmed myself and redirected my nervous energy.

I was feeling tons better after. Then I watched The Office and felt damn good. Laughter is good for the soul. Thanks for that lesson, Meaghan.

I played some Metal Gear Solid 4 and felt intrigued and frustrated when Snake didn't cooperate as fast as I would have liked for him to. I know he's an old man, but damn.

And now here I am, feeling my usual calm self. What a day, huh?

I have an interview tomorrow and I really hope that it turns out well. Lord knows I need this job.

I would have had two job inteviews, but I'm pretty sure one company is just a scam. Watch out for American Income Insurance Company! Do your research first. Not saying they're not a legitimate business, just that they seem shady. I would check them out just for the hell of it, but it's 30 minutes away and I just don't have the gas money to satisfy my curiosity.

Hopefully the next time I post it'll be about my being employed.

Till next time!

25 Going on 40

So lately I feel as if I've been having a mid-life crisis of sorts. Or maybe it's just me panicing about not having a job yet. I'm sure...no, I know that has something to do with it.

It's also recently come to my attention that I'm going to be 25-years-old in June. I feel as if I haven't done nearly as much as I'd hoped to do by the time I was this old...young...whatever.

I was looking back on my life and I feel that I should have done more, should have been exposed to more as a child. A part of me wants to blame my parents, but I know that's both unfair and foolish. They did they best that they could when it came to raising me and my other siblings, and I'm glad that they did as good of a job as they did. I could have turned out much worse.

25 isn't the end of your life, but it's that turning point where you're teetering on the edge of adulthood and the end of your "party days." It's time to think about your future, time to think about a career, where you see yourself in ten years time and how to get there.

I honestly don't know where I saw myself at this point and time in my life, but I know that it isn't here. I know I'm capable of much more than what I've done and what I'm doing, but I guess it's just that I don't know how to get to where I want to go.

I just want to be happy.

Okay, this post is starting to depress me a bit. I'm signing off now.

Till next time.

Loss

I often wonder why we view loss as something negative. Something that once brought us comfort, familiarity, and happiness is gone and we feel that there is an eternal void inside of us that can never be filled.

We lose family, friends, jobs, belongings, and intangible things such as sense of self, sanity, security. Recently I've been experiencing a loss of employment (over and over and over again!), and it's caused a bit of a domino effect. You lose your job, you lose your sense of security, and then you may even start to lose your sense of self-worth. Amazing how the casdade effect works, huh?

Oftentimes when we lose something it's best to focus on why we lost it in the first place and why that loss was/is so hard to bear. And then we must figure out how to replace that lost the best we can, reconstructing our house as it were.

It's not easy, of course, but what in life is?

And I think that's exactly what it boils down to: life. So many ups and down in such a seemingly short amount of time. But it really is the experiences that make us who we are. We can either take the situation as it is, or we can transmute it, rise to the occasion.

Sappy, I know, but a little sappiness is necessary every now and then.

I've lost three jobs since I've moved here to Denver. Embarassing, yes, but it is what it is. All three jobs were "pay the bills and keep a roof over your head and food in your belly" type deals, so the blow wasn't that low. If I had been fired from a job that I was actually passionate about, then I would have taken it much harder. Not that I'm not scratching at my head wondering what the hell I'm going to do, but I've found a measure of comfort that they weren't jobs that I was fond of in the first place.

Loss forces us to realize just how strong we really are, loss forces us to find out who we are and who we aren't. I'm trying to apply the same aspect in my book series (a little self-publicity there). What happens when you find out you can't be who you wanted to be, you aren't the person you thought you were? What next?

So...

What next?

Recycle It!

As far as I'm concerned, nearly everything in the entertainment industry is a rehash of a done deal.

A majority of the movies in the past few years have been remakes of remakes, a plot idea that's already been done before or the movie is based off of a book. A majority of the time the movie doesn't do the original work justice. It's lacking something, doesn't have the same impact as the original or was clearly intended to "WOW" the audience with explosions, special effects and maybe one or two decent one-liners.

I just finished watching the live action "G.I. Joe" movie and I wasn't impressed at all. Again, Hollywood relies more on flashy special effects, buff bods, and nice sets to fill seats. It amazes me that the movie made as much money as it did because the script was AWFUL! So cliched! And the exact same thing could be said about the latest Wolverine movie.

I know that people have to realize that a script is what makes the movie at the end of the day. Previews that rely mainly on images are pretty much previews for bad movies.

It saddens me, but at the same time it's a bit of a benefit to me as an aspiring screenwriter. What I'm hearing is that I can write a shitty, half-assed script and still get paid. Even though this is something that's become apparent, it's something that I refuse to do. Why go for a 5 when you are more than capable of a 20?

And the same thing can be said of books. It's something I've noticed especially in the dark fantasy genre. Tough-as-nails female bounty hunters trying to solve a "grisly string of supernatural murders" all while dealing with an out of town ex that turns out to be the murderer. And don't get me started on Twilight. It staggers me that the books are as popular as they are and that the movies have done so well. Guess there really is no accounting for taste.

Til next time.

Super

So my book series is about superpowers and the confused and conflicted people that they belong to.

Who among us hasn't wished at one time or another that we could do something out of the ordinary, something that no one has done before and something that simply isn't possible. Whether it be winning the lottery three times in a row, driving around the world, or flying without the aid of a plane.

What is it about superhuman abilities that draws us to them? Is it the allure of the fantastic or is it simply something that we want to so do see what it would be like? What if one day we woke up to discover that we could set fires by concentrating or make invisible force fields? Would we become bored with our powers or would we figure out new ways to utilize them?

I think it would be interesting to see what the world would be like if we all did have minor superpowers. Yet I also shudder to think what the world would be like if some people were given destructive superpowers. But then again, who's to decide what is destructive and what is harmless?

Already too many questions about this are popping up in my head, so maybe there's a reason we're merely human. But then again there have been reports of the world's first mutants. I believe Lance Armstrong is one of them. I think I remember reading something about his lungs and muscles being stronger and build differently than those of a normal human. Look at all that the man has done! But then again, he does only have one testical, so I guess it's an even trade.

Hmm, so maybe we already have minor superpowers, we just have to realize what they are.

Okay, my head is starting to hurt. I'm done with this post.

P.S. If I could have any superpower, I would either have Susan Storm's or Vixen's. Ooo, or maybe Zatana's!

"I don't know why they call these want ads. I don't want any of these jobs."

The above title is something I have said many a time before.

Job hunting is just that, a hunt. You have to prepare for your prey, make yourself ready, dress correctly, carry the right ammunition or it's your ass, and you have to arrive at the hunting grounds at just the right time in order to get what you want.

I really don't get why people don't come to me to work for them.

I know you feel this way too, dear reader.

So I've been waiting tables for about three years and I've been in the food business in some way or another for as long as I've started working at the fresh and impressionable age of 16.

But I feel that it's time for a change, I think I've done as much as I can do and have gone as far as I can go in the serving industry. I don't know if I'm well suited for office work, but I'm willing to try. As long as my mind is constantly stimulated and I'm not bored at work, I think I'll be fine. When it comes to waiting tables you're either not busy, kinda busy, or busy as hell.

The economy isn't as stellar as we'd like for it to be, and people are getting depressed and frustrated about not being able to find work. I understand that money has become quite integral to the human existence, but I don't think that we should put so much into something that should only be part of our lives, not all of it.

But then again, this is coming from a single, twenty-five year old man. I'm sure those of us who are married with children and numerous payments see the world differently. The thing that keeps me going and keeps my head up is the knowledge that everything is going to be ok eventually.

Failure and rejection are a bitch, no one can attest to this fact more than me! But I've learned that it's best to keep going after Company A says no, or Company B says that they just don't have any positions available. More than that, it also helps to ask yourself if there was anything you can improve on when it comes to interviewing or presenting yourself to a potential employer.

Ok, this is turning into a sappy rah-rah speech. But I do hope that I have encouraged you if you needed encouragement and/or that I have entertained you if you needed entertainment.

Stay golden!

Behind the Curtain

Oh, no! Another blog for you to skimp over!

Yes, it's true. Who doesn't have a blog, words, ideas, and observations to share?

My name is O'Brian and I've been a resident of planet Earth for 24 years now (25 in June) and I've been a resident of Denver for about a year. I moved here from Alabama. I was tired of feeling my soul die each and every day I opened my eyes and realized that I wasn't dreaming. I was tired of feeling like every day was on rewind. I was tired of being tired.

But enough complaining.

This is a blog for me and anyone else that would like to read about the ins and outs of my life as well as the ins and outs of my mind.

Not really a big fan of spilling my guts. As my creative writing teacher used to say, "Don't tell us, show us!"

Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen, good things are coming through!